Todd. (filmedasuicide) wrote in tehweh_n_kiwiah,

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Okay, let's talk sexy.

PS) This is an Eric/Dylan story except it's hilarious, I suggest everyone reads it.

One night, after a hard day's work at Blackjack Pizza, Eric Harris came home from work, walked to the basement, completely ignoring his parents. He locked the door to his basement and then sat down on a couch there. He heard his parents at the basement door.

"Eric, Eric, SON, what's the matter?" he head them say. "I don't want to talk about it!" Eric yelled, then grabbing his head. When he grabbed his head, he felt the bruise on his face. He began to think about how he got the bruise.

"Hey Eric, stop putting so much green peppers on that pizza!" the manager said. "No, I want to put lots of green peppers on this pizza!" Eric yelled. The manager then came over to him and backhanded him, and said, "NO MORE. Eric you are like THIS CLOSE to being fired" (when he said that, he held up his hand and almost put his thumb and index finger together except it was like this TEENIE WEENIE gap, which means Eric was really close to getting fired).

While sitting in his basement, Eric said, "I'm going to kill that guy, or something..." Then, all of the sudden, he saw a dark shadow pop out of the corner. Eric then yanked out his shottie and flew up like a ninja and flied across the room, kicking whatever it was.

"I've got you now, bitch!" Eric yelled, then turning on the light. When the light was shinning, he looked over and saw it was his good trusty friend, Dylan Klebold. Dylan looked over at Eric angrily, and then grabbed his heart, because it was hurting now.

"I am so sorry, Dylan! I thought you were some kind of cyber demon!" Eric said, then running over to him and picking him up. "I'm okay, I shouldn't have been hiding out anyways," Dylan said, then putting his hand on his head. When he looked back at his hand, he saw blood covering it. "SHIT MAN. Eric, go get me a tissue!" Dylan yelled. "Okay!" Eric said, then running upstairs.

After Eric was gone, Dylan wandered around. "Man, I'm hungry, I haven't eaten in like a month, 'cause my name's Dylan..." Dylan said. He looked around and suddenly found Eric's secret stash of Wonderbread and bologna and various other sandwich makings! Dylan had known Eric had secret tresures in his basement, and now he had found one of many! The light in the room exploded and flashly blue and red lights went off, confetti was sprayed out of the electrical sockets, and hard-pounding violence inducing German industrial rock such as Rammstein's "Buck Dich" started playing. "Excellent!" Dylan yelled, then running over and building a sandwich worthy enough for his digesting.

Eric then came back into the basement. "I can't find any napkins! Are you going to bleed to death?!" Eric yelled all scared-like. "Nah, I'm cool, my head just hurts," Dylan said, eating the sandwich and smiling and giggling joyfully. "Oh, my god, you found my sandwich makings! How did you do it?" Eric asked. Dylan pointed to his head and said, "When my right temple is bleeding, I am god-like. Fuck, but that fall hurt my wrist like a son of a bitch." "I bet so," Eric said, then sitting down on his couch.

After Dylan finished his sandwich, he sat on the floor and looked up at the ceiling, swaying back and forth occasionally such as a group of people singing "Coom-baiy-yah mah LAWURD!" would. Eric looked at his hands and saw dirt under his fingers. "... Uuuh! Oh, oh no..." Eric said, then taking a safety pin and quickly picking the dirt out from under them.

"So, how was work?" Dylan said, then suddenly taking a fresh baked apple pie out of a shelf. "It was lame, my boss hit me 'cause I love green peppers," Eric said. "Oh, that's horrible. You want me to kill him for you?" Dylan asked. "Yeah... would ya? Feed that bitch rat poison or something in his goddamn PLAIN CHEESE COMBO, WHAT THE FUCK IS A PLAIN CHEESE COMBO ANYWAYS?! COMBO MEANS HAVING TWO OR MORE TOPPINGS ON A PIZZA, PLAIN CHEESE MEANS NO TOPPINGS!" Eric yelled. "I bet you jo mama taught him that!" Dylan said. "JEEAA! ... Oh, aye. That wasn't all too fabulous," Eric said. Dylan shrugged.

Dylan sat down on the floor after he served the apple pie and began eating it, occasionally dozing off. "Man, my head hurts, don't you have a bandaid... or, ANYTHING?" Dylan asked. "Nah man, we're all out. The other day when I was testing a pipe bomb, some of it went over the fence and got this dog right in the neck, so I had to bandage up the dog, it sucked, I should have cracked it's head open with a crowbar or something," Eric said, finishing the piece of his pie.

"I'm going to the bathroom, hold on a second," Dylan said, then walking up the stairs towards the door. Eric nodded and leaned back, looking over towards his left. Dylan made it out the door. Then all of the sudden, Dylan fell back towards the basement and hit the door, falling down the steps. "... HAHA!" Eric yelled, "MAN THAT WAS FUCKING GREAT!" Dylan lie still on the ground, now with his head bleeding more. "... Hey. Dylan. Wake up," Eric said. Dylan continued to lie still. "Yo, voDKa, wakey wakey, eggs and bakey," Eric said, walking over to him and standing in front of him.

After a few minutes had passed, Eric began to panic. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" Eric yelled, then running around in circles. Eric then heard a faint "FUCK" from where Dylan was. "Dylan! Speak again, damn it!" Eric yelled, then yanking him up off of the floor. "I need... a fucking... bandaid... now..." Dylan said. "No, no, I'll take care of it! Go lay over there!" Eric yelled, then pointing at the couch. Eric let Dylan go and shoved him towards the couch. Dylan then fell down again. "SHIT!" Eric yelled, then yanking him up again and then sitting him on the couch.

"Fuck, fuck, what am I going to do! We don't have any bandaids!" Eric yelled. "No towels?!" Dylan yelled. "NO FUCKING TOWELS!" Eric started screaming. "OH GOD, THE HORROR! PAAAAAAAA!" Dylan screamed. "What're we going to do!" Eric yelled. "I got it! I got an idea! Okay, take off my shoes, I'll wrap my sock around my head!" Dylan said. "Ew! Your sock has been on your foot all day!" Eric said. "DAMN IT, ERIC!" Dylan yelled, then kicking Eric in the jaw, sending him back and hitting the shelf where just minutes ago, apple pie was made. "Okay, okay, I will, seesh!" Eric said.

Eric went to pick up Dylan's foot when he then saw his hands were cut open from hitting glass moments ago. "Dylan, I can't do it! My hands are cut up! It stiiiings real baaaaad!" Eric said with a whiney voice. "Then use something else!" Dylan yelled. "Like what!" Eric yelled back. "Uh... use... YOUR TEETH! AHA! Use your teeth!" Dylan said.

"My teeth?! No way, man!" Eric said. "ERIC, I'm going to DIE!" Dylan yelled.

"... Okay! Okay. I'll do it," Eric said after a few moments of silence. Eric then bit onto the lace of Dylan's left boot, and he began to unlace his boots. It took about half an hour, where Eric quickly tried to unlace Dylan's shoes as Dylan lay dying on the couch. Finally, Eric was able to yank off both of Dylan's shoes and pull off his socks.

Eric then gagged and yelled, "Jesus FUCKING Christ, Dylan! Your feet are fucking rancid!" "SHUT UP, ERIC, SHUT UP! I'M GONNA FUCKIN' DIE!" Dylan screamed. Eric threw up Dylan's socks to his hands, where Dylan then tried to tie the socks around his head. He tried and tried, but nothing could make the blood stop flowing.

"Oh my god, it's not working!" Dylan yelled. Eric ran around screaming in the basement, panicing way too much for one such as cool as himself. "Eric... I'm going to die..." Dylan said. "No, you're not going to die! You're not going to leave me here alone! No, Dylan, no!" Eric yelled, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. "Unless you have a bandaid... I'm dying!" Dylan said sadly.

"Oh fuck! You're not leaving me, Dylan! I'll be your bandaid!" Eric yelled, then jumping on Dylan and licking the blood off of his head. He licked for around ten minutes before Dylan began to speak.

"Eric... I think this is it... I can see the light!" Dylan said, staring up at the roof. Eric then was blinded by a sudden light. "Shit, man, I can see the light, too..." he said. "It's the light, Eric! It's the fucking light!" Dylan screamed. "No, man..." Eric said, then looking up at the small window, seeing the light come in through there. "No, man! It's just a flashflight!" Eric said. "... A flashlight?" Dylan said. "Yeah, a fla- A FLASHLIGHT?! WHO THE FUCK!" Eric yelled, then grabbing a flashlight on the floor, switching it on and then shinning it out the window. As he shined it, he caught the face of Brooks Brown.

"BROOKS! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Eric screamed, then throwing the flashlight at Brooks. It went through the window and hit Brooks' flashlight, causing it to break.

"Fuck you, Eric! You're payin' for that!" Brooks yelled in through the window. "Fuck you, Brooks, I ain't payin' for SHIT! GET OUT OF HERE NOW YOU PIECE OF PRYING SHIT!" Eric yelled. Eric turned around and looked at Dylan, who was staring at the ceiling. "FUCK!" Dylan yelled. "Well, shit... now what?" Eric asked. "I don't fucking know!" Dylan yelled. "Hmm, well, where were we at, anyways?" Eric asked.

TA-DA the end oh my god.
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